Chapter

Grins & Giggles

It’s been a long time since I made a post but I figured with the quarantine and such, now might be a good time. I mean, most people are bored and have plenty of time on their hands so I thought the bar for good writing has probably been lowered.

Anyhow, here are a few shorts that I hope may give you a giggle and maybe even brighten your day.

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No Power…No Problem: So, I’m having lunch at Friday’s (before the pandemic) and ask for our check. A short time later the waitress comes back and advises me they’re having problems with their system so there will be a delay. We patiently wait for 15 minutes or so at which time I go in search of our waitress.

I find her standing beside a woman who appeared to be the manager and advised them that we had to leave. “I’d like to go ahead and pay cash. What do I owe you?” I asked.

The manager looks at me with this bewildered look and says,” We  can’t do that.”

“Why is that? I ask.

“Well, we have  to calculate the service charge.”

 I was confused but assume that she meant the tax. “Well, why can’t we just do it like the old days?”

She looks at me with this blank stare,  clearly  having no idea how to do that.

 “Look, “ I said, “I promise I can figure out my total if you’ll let me see a menu.”

They both shrugged like I had suggested that we all sprout wings and fly but I got my menu.

“Ok, we had two entrees and water. So the price of the first one is $10.99 and the second is $11.99.” At this point they looked on with a smirk. “Now, we add them together and then multiply by 1.07 to add the tax. The total is $24.59. Here’s $30, thanks,” I said and out the door we went leaving them appearing bewildered by my feat of magic.

It amazes me that they were completely incapable of totaling up a check without the computer. Our modern world.

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Quarantine Day 1745: I switched to using magazines when  toilet paper ran out last month and now having to use the vintage Playboy stockpile. Put Miss June 1983 to good use yesterday.

 Had to eat Rover after food ran out.  He didn’t taste at all like chicken like they claimed.

Haven’t seen DeeDee since she decided to violate curfew and make a food run.  Tried that new Soylent Green food the government has been delivering door to door. Didn’t really care for the taste but did make me think of DeeDee.

Just finished watching the entire Netflicks library for the third time and now down to watching Tiger King which I had been avoiding.

Authorities are expecting good news on a cure any day now and Nancy Pelosi promises this should all be over by 2030. Can’t wait to start getting my ration cards and a permit to go outside for an hour a day.

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New Airline Motto—We’re Setting the Bar Lower  While air travel during the pandemic seems like a dream, a while back, I wrote a post dealing with the spartan nature of air travel. I made fun of the free 6 oz soft drink and minuscule bag of peanuts. Well folks, I found that Spirit Airlines has set the bar far lower.

During a recent Spirit flight, I longed for those free snacks. While you can carry on one tiny personal item, all other bags are $40.  Unless you spend $60 to join the $9 fare club. Want to have an assigned seat? That’ll be $10 bucks.  Didn’t check in on line? Another $10. You want us to print your boarding pass, gimme’ a fiver. Even the tray tables are half sized. I didn’t ask if you could rent a full sized one.

Want a soft drink? That’ll be three bucks.

Want to recline your seat? $18. Use the bathroom? $25. Oh, number 2? $45. Sit inside the plane? $63. Okay, now I’m exaggerating. The seats are fixed. We went potty without paying, and actually were seated inside the plane.  I will say, these all represent valuable additional revenue sources that I’m sure will be explored.

So, during our 4 hour flight to Las Vegas, I whipped out my AmEx card and bought 2 diet cokes, two snack packs, a wine, and a Jack for only $736! What a bargain!

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Things I Don’t Understand

There are so many things I don’t understand. For example, how can I remember all the words to a song I heard twenty years ago but not where I parked my car?

What is a crossfire hurricane? (See: Jumpin’ Jack Flash)

When someone has a nervous breakdown, do their nerves actually break?

Why do women get so upset when guys throw their dirty socks and underwear on the floor? Isn’t that what God intended by giving us floors?

Why does everything that tastes good have a bazillion calories?

Why is it that within a week of cleaning the past five year’s-worth of accumulated junk out of the garage you suddenly need the items you just threw away?

Why is it that traffic is always worse when you’re running late?

Why do little children have tons of energy when it’s their parents who really need it?

Are old wive’s tales only told by old women or are they tales that have been told by wives for a very long time?

When it rains, how is it that your umbrella is generally at the place where you’re headed and not where you are at the time?

Why do hotel maids insist on leaving the stopper in the tub so that you only discover it when your ankle deep in nasty water?

What colors are: kingfisher, mauve, fuchsia, and periwinkle and who makes up color names like these? Is it just to confuse guys?

So many things I don’t understand.

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