Guys Tips For Christmas Gifts

Guys, with Christmas less than 2 weeks away, it’s time to start seriously thinking about having something under the tree for the missus. I know, some of you may think this is ridiculously early, but it’s really not.

So with this holiday looming, I have a few tips to offer you that have been used successfully by millions of other men. Okay, maybe not millions, but by a couple of my buddies, Lester and Bubba who, in the interests of full disclosure, are recently divorced.

Tip 1

If you’re a manly man, I’m sorry but you probably have really crappy tastes in picking out gifts as judged by members of the opposite sex. So there is no point in worrying a lot and spending hours picking out the perfect gift since she’ll probably hate it anyhow.

One idea is to buy her clothes, something silky and several sizes too small. Then when she says, “Honey, it’s too small,” you reply, “Gosh, how was I to know, you look so petite.” Bam! You just scored bedroom privileges!

Or get her a high end hunting rifle (or top-of-the-line fishing rod/reel) and say, “Honey, I miss you you so much when I’m off hunting (fishing) and bought you this gift so that you can join me.” She’ll go, “Awwww,” you score bedroom privileges, and then when she doesn’t join you, Bam! you got some great new gear.

Tip 2

Trust me on this one, do NOT get your special sweetie an iron and ironing board. Same holds for a vacuum cleaner or lawn mower. My wife’s rule of thumb is that if it has a motor and wheels, it best have a steering wheel. (No, riding lawn mowers and ATVs won’t work.)

One Christmas a few years ago, my daughter told me that her mother told her to tell me there best be a shiny silver auto in the driveway come Christmas morning.  So as a good, browbeaten husband, I made it happen.  And Bam! … she was happy and we have lived happily ever after.

Tip 3

Of course, you could be a hero and lay down big bucks for something sparkly like a diamond in which case you’re sure to score bedroom privileges. But you can forget buying that dually truck anytime soon. That’s why some really smart chemist-dude invented Cubic Zirconium. Looks like a real diamond and the only way she’ll ever know is if she has it appraised when divorcing you. At that point, she already thinks you’re a jerk and you’re cruising for chicks in your new dually, so who cares?

Tip 4

Okay, you’ve got your gift and are now faced with wrapping it. Real men lack what I call the “wrapping gene.” No matter how much time you spend, the end product will look like your 3 year old wrapped it.

My wife has the wrapping gene. You give her a piece of newspaper and a roll of duct tape and she’ll wrap a present that looks like it came from Nordstrom.

So what do you do? Play to your strength.

Do a REALLY lousy job wrapping it, then when you give it to her look down all bashful-like and mumble, “Honey, I wrapped it myself.” Inside she’ll be thinking, “No, duh.” But she’ll go, “Awwww,” and Bam! you score bedroom privileges.

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I hope you will find these tips useful and that they will help you to have a Merry Christmas. Frank Wilem, your friend and Christmas gift advisor.