Stupid Laws

First of all let me say, DO NOT move to Kentucky if you enjoy carrying ice cream cones in your back pocket. It’s illegal there.

“Why?” you say.

Well, evidently unscrupulous ice cream eating horse thieves used to stick a cone in their back pocket in order to lure horses away from their owner. They could then claim innocently, “Hey man, I didn’t steal your horse he just followed me home.” Evidently, horses like ice cream, something I really didn’t know.

Our founding fathers were some really bright fellows. While they did make “ignorance of the law to be no excuse,” they failed to address the little problem of law proliferation or mandate sunset provisions as a requirement for all laws. Thus, like entropy, our body of law is forever expanding. In many cases, old laws appear ridiculous in today’s world while other laws bring into question how much alcohol is typically  consumed during the process of drafting legislation.

For example, in Mississippi, you can be sentenced to the penitentiary for up to five years for seducing a female by promising to marry her. Evidently, they weren’t so worried about women doing the same to men—chauvinists.

Other things you cannot do in Mississippi are to fish using an Uzi machine gun, make love in a bar, prevent someone from walking down the street by placing a truck in their way, or cheer unless you have a darn good reason. Clearly, the Mississippi laws banning profane language and males becoming sexually aroused in public places under threat of fine are not enforced. The same is true for fining people living together while not married. Otherwise, we would be able to fund the entire State government off these fines.

Many people are unaware that in Louisiana it’s illegal to throw beads from a third story window. Same goes for throwing condoms from parade floats during Mardi Gras. I suggest you keep this in mind during Mardi Gras this year.

You have to cook your garbage before feeding it to the hogs and it’s illegal to chase fish in a New Orleans city park. If you want to bite someone, use your own teeth which is simple assault. Because if you use your false teeth, it’s aggravated assault.

The elected leadership in Louisiana have a clever way of combating arson. Every time you get burned, you are required to report your injury to the fire marshal. They see you getting burned too many times and you’re likely to get a call from their arson investigators. These boys ain’t stupid. But they also made it a $500 fine to have a pizza delivered to your buddy without him knowing. So much for that practical joke.

Don’t go to Louisiana if you want to gargle in public, decorate a public tree, or have sex with a cow. You best not practice voodoo within the city limits, shoot lasers at the police, or rob a bank and then shoot the teller with a water pistol.

In Tennessee, you have to ride scooters single file and are forbidden to sing the song, “It Ain’t Goin’ To Rain No Mo.” If you participate in a duel you are banned from holding a public office. Rollerbladers are prohibited from tying themselves to a moving vehicle on a highway. Bar owners are required to keep their patrons from making “loud, unusual noises” and it is against the law to drive while asleep. Better not try to sell a hollow log and all businesses must have a hitching post in front of their building.

Shoot you can’t even give any of your pie to fellow diners, place tacks on the highway, lasso a fish, or gather/consume roadkill! And ladies, don’t go to Tennessee if you ever want to ask a man out for a date or dare a child to purchase beer because both are illegal there.

New York has its own share of dumb laws which ban flirting, throwing a ball at someone’s head, jumping off a building, and wearing slippers after 10:00PM. While men are prohibited from going topless on the Boardwalk in Ocean City, women may run around topless in New York PROVIDED it’s not business related (wink, wink.) Although women are banned from being on the street wearing “body hugging clothing.”

Don’t even think about eating peanuts during a concert or walking backwards on the sidewalk if you don’t want to be in violation of the law in Greene, NY.

Texas law creates a conundrum by requiring that two trains meeting must come to a full stop and not proceed until the other has gone. (Huh?) It’s a felony for owning more than six d*&$os (bad word that describes a plastic replica of a man’s pee pee.)

In Texas, you absolutely cannot milk another person’s cow. “Jimmy, go over and milk Mr. White’s cow.”

“Sorry ma’, it’s illegal.”

But actually, you might want to consider moving to Texas because of the low crime rate that they are certain to enjoy after their legislators enacted a law that is certain to get crime under control. This anticrime law now requires that a criminal to notify any victim 24 hours before committing a crime against them.

“Uh, John, just want you to know that I’ll be robbing you tomorrow afternoon.”

“Okay, but please don’t take Margaret’s six d*&$os. Oh, and I’ll be waiting for you with my Uzi since I can’t fish with it anymore. ”

Yes, Texas is about to put an end to all crime there. I’m guessing this approach is likely to sweep the nation. Poor criminals, outfoxed again.


Disclaimer: Frank Wilem is an author, speaker, and all around funny and entertaining guy. On this blog, his stories are based on his real life experiences, often with a satirical twist.

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